Joke

[Pitbull]

**SICK LEAVE**


I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that
maybe if I acted 'Crazy' he would tell me to take a
few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling
and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might
think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. A few
minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?' I told
him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly
stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of
days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss
asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'


She said, 'I'm going home, too. You can't possibly
expect me to work in the dark.

[Pitbull]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
So, a student asked, 'What gender is computer'?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a
feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation. The men's group decided that
'computer' shoul definitely be of the feminine gender ('la
Computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better
model.

[Pitbull]

The International Council of Manlaws Ltd

1 . It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
When a heroic dog dies to save its master. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. After wrecking your boss's car.
When she is using her teeth.

2. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

3 . Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

4 . No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

5 . On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

6 . You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

7 . It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach. .. And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

8 . Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another lad in the nuts.

9 . If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

10 . Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's greedy!

11 . If you compliment a mate on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

12 . Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

13 . Never talk to a man in a the toilet unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

14 . The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to have each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

15 . The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

16 . There is no reason for lads to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

[mrgrotey]

Christ mate, have you got jovial diarrhoea or something?! lol

[RustiSwordz]

2. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever

aint that one the truth.

[richardburton]

lol Manlaws - you gotta love em!

[Pitbull]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress. Two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table, turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Bluey The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her panties and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.

[RustiSwordz]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a
stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
" You get out and check - you were driving. "
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving; go and tell the farmer, " says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big
grin on his face.
" My god, what happened to you ? " asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies:
" When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave
me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. "

" What on earth did you say ? " asks Cherie.
" I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:



" I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

[Bagnew]

rofl

A bunch of guys break into a bank, and blast into the vault. The vault is filled with drawers, and it's really cold. They open a drawer, and it's full of vanilla ice-cream! They eat it, and open another drawer. The same! The eat as much as they can, and take the rest home to their families. They then decide to pop to the pub for a drink. The news comes on, and the anchor says: "This just in: The world's largest sperm bank has just been robbed"

[Pitbull]

The Rhythm Method

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

[mrgrotey]

A priest books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled", she says "no sir, it's just regular porn you sick bastard!".


----------------------------------


Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired and could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," replied his friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[Pitbull]

[mrgrotey]

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle ofMerlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha marinder of botl of Prozic and Valum pscriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

[David Faltskog]

'Why don’t you just give next door’s kids their ball back and be done with it?’

;D

www.spectator.co.uk

[Pitbull]

Hangover

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in
the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's
snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't
hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS