Joke

[Pitbull]

I want to open an account

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account".

The teller, surprised with his behavior, replies, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!", said the teller.

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time??"

[Pitbull]

The Journey of a Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.


So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially an d very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[mrgrotey]

[RustiSwordz]

Gary Glitter is moving to Florida,

Hes going to Tampa with some kids...

[mrgrotey]

Badum-psshhhh!

[richardburton]

Thankyouverymuch - he's here all week!

[Pitbull]

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard....................................................................

[Stu]

Sept 1, 2008 18:37:10 GMT 1 Pitbull said:

Gary Glitter has been given a date for his deportation.......

She's 8, but with make up she looks about 12...........

[poyks]

Probably about time to dispense with the "Glitter" jokes now. Funny for a little while, but the subject matter is understandably offensive to some people.

[silverlocusts]

The Wager

A very posh little old lady arrives at the main office of the Bank of Scotland insisting that she wishes to meet with the Director to open an account. Despite the best efforts of the staff to assist her she held her ground and politely but firmly insisted that she had a large amount of money to deposit and only the Director would be able to assist with this.

In time she is taken by staff to the office of the Director of the Bank of Scotland.

"Well madam , I am delighted that you have chosen this establishment to make your deposit. Exactly how much do you wish to deposit here"

" 10 million pounds"

" If you dont mind me asking that is a fantastic amount of money to have at hand for somebody of your years, can you tell me exactly how you came about this?"

"Certainly young man , I become involved in wagers"

"Wagers , what , like horse racing , football result.....?"

"Heavens no , nothing so vulgar , wagers"

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes of course , I will wager you the sum of £50,000 that you have square testicals"

The Director is stunned by this ..... "How can you be so sure of this, that is rediculous"

" Well , are you going to take me up on the wager?"

The Director thinks this is ludicrous but then again £50,000 on a sure winner.

The Director agrees to the challenge.

"Excellent" the old lady declares "I will meet with you tomorrow morning at 9.30am for the challenge and to make it all perfectly legal I will have my lawyer in attendance if this is satisfactory"

All day the Director has his doubts about this. All day he physically checking himself and at home checking in the bathroom mirror.... " Square testicals , she is a lunatic " he mutters to himself. This is the easiest £50,000 I will ever make.

The next morning at 9.15am the Directors secretary informs him that the old lady and her lawyer have arrived for their appointment. " Her lawyer , probably her care worker the silly old sod" he mutters.

The doors open and the old lady and the lawyer enter the room.

"Well sir have you changed your mind"

"Not at all , how do you wish to do this?"

" Ah well if you could stand over here and drop your trousers"

"Drop my... oh come on"

" What , are you afraid to lose the wager are you"

The Director duly stands before her and drops his trousers.

"Well all seems in order but I will have to have a feel just to make sure"

The Director closes his eyes as he feels the old ladies fingers around his genitalia at which point he hears a muffled thud coming from behind the old lady. He opens one eye and watches as her lawyer bangs his head repeatedly off the desk.

"Is he alright, what is wrong with him?"

"Oh him , ah yes , well I had a wager with him that for £100,000 that by 10.00am today I would have the testicles of the Director of the Bank of Scotland in my hands...."



.............. I will close the door on the way out ......

[Pitbull]

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Pitbull]

Sept 1, 2008 22:32:51 GMT 1 Stu said:

Sept 1, 2008 18:37:10 GMT 1 Pitbull said:

Gary Glitter has been given a date for his deportation.......

quote]

Sorry Guys.

[Stu]

Sept 2, 2008 20:05:39 GMT 1 Pitbull said:

Sept 1, 2008 22:32:51 GMT 1 Stu said:

Sept 1, 2008 18:37:10 GMT 1 Pitbull said:

Gary Glitter has been given a date for his deportation.......

quote]

Sorry Guys.

[poyks]

Thanks Pitbull.

[Pitbull]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the
kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED………

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... . so, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for the Old
Age Pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Age Pension application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started..... <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O<img src="emoticons/icon_razz.gif">></O<img src="emoticons/icon_razz.gif">>

********************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....