Joke

[Pitbull]

Buying a Horse


Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. What you looking for asks the owner? A female horth said the dwarf. The owner shows him a nice mare. Nithe horth! Can I thee her eythe? Owner picks him up & shows him its eyes, Nithe eythe, Can I thee her teeth? He picks him up & shows him its teeth, Can I thee her twot? The owner picks him up shoves his head up the mares fanny & pulls him out a few seconds later, ‘I’ll reefathe that, Can I see her wun awound’?

[Pitbull]

Artificial Insemination

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination..

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn.

[mrgrotey]

hehe.


I went to a zoo...it only had a dog
....it was a Shitzu.













A young woman walks up to the grocery store checkout and places her items on the counter. The checkout guy cracks a small grin as he scans her only two items: A can of chicken noodle soup and a loaf of bread.
"You must be single," he says to her.
She smiles bashfully and replies, "Yeah, how did you know?"
"Because you're fucking ugly."




i got hit by a hire car yesterday.....Hertz

[poyks]

1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken.
2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet?
1st Woman: We need the eggs.



A man goes into a chemist with his beautiful girlfriend.
"Some sun tan oil please", said the man.
"Factor?", said the chemist.
"Yes, last night actually, but I don't think that's any of your business", said the man


"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"



Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. "HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!" So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!" "Why?" Harry asks.
"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"
Harry promises his mother that he won't. The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!" "Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"
Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?" Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks. "No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"

[mrgrotey]

A Pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.
He waddles uncomfortably up to the bar and orders a beer. Everyone in the bar watches him, confused. The bartender serves him his beer, and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but ask. I notice you have a steering wheel stuck there in front of you. Isn't that kind of uncomfortable?"





The pirate says: "Arrrh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[richardburton]

lol

Two men are in the pub knocking back pints. First man lears and says "I've shagged your mum."

Second man says "I think you've had enough, Dad."

[mrgrotey]

Dave and Terry are on a golf course and are outraged when a fellow golfer dressed in expensive golf clothes with his own caddy barges in front of them to play the hole they are on.
"Who's that?" asks Dave. "He's a country member" says Terry. "Don't worry.." said Dave, "..I'll remember".



An American couple were visiting Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwillantyiliogogogoch in Wales and went into a cafe for some food. When the waitress came up to take their order the husband said, "before we order can you say the name of where we are, but say it very slowly so that we can understand".

The waitress leaned towards them and said....

Buuuurrrrgggerrrrrrr Kiiinnnnngggg

[RustiSwordz]

You got that last one off the BBC website didnt you Mr G...

So did i with this one:

Here's one:

An Essex girl and an Irishman in a bar... The Essex Girl notices the Irishmans wellies and says - Why have yor got an 'R' on one boot and and 'L' on the other..? The Irish man replies - Well - Oi'm a bit tick you see... and it helps me to remember which boot goes on the Left foot and which on the Right foot... The Essex girl thought about this for a while and finally says Ah - that's why my knickers have C&A written on them...

[mrgrotey]

Aug 2, 2008 0:22:11 GMT 1 RustiSwordz said:

You got that last one off the BBC website didnt you Mr G...

Didnt actually some guy on another forum posted both those together, thought I'd pass them on

[Pitbull]

Aug 2, 2008 7:37:07 GMT 1 mrgrotey said:

Aug 2, 2008 0:22:11 GMT 1 RustiSwordz said:

You got that last one off the BBC website didnt you Mr G...

Didnt actually some guy on another forum posted both those together, thought I'd pass them on

You can't go ripping jokes off like that. Any jokes I post up are made up by me. ;D

[Pitbull]

IT IS NOW ILLEGAL TO WEAR YOUR CLOTHES ON THE WRONG PART OF YOUR BODY;

TAKE GARY GLITTER FOR EXAMPLE; HE WAS JAILED FOR PUTTING A THAI ON HIS NOB;

[Pitbull]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came th! rough a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw hercondition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

[Relyt]

Aug 1, 2008 15:58:58 GMT 1 mrgrotey said:

Dave and Terry are on a golf course and are outraged when a fellow golfer dressed in expensive golf clothes with his own caddy barges in front of them to play the hole they are on.
"Who's that?" asks Dave. "He's a country member" says Terry. "Don't worry.." said Dave, "..I'll remember".



An American couple were visiting Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwillantyiliogogogoch in Wales and went into a cafe for some food. When the waitress came up to take their order the husband said, "before we order can you say the name of where we are, but say it very slowly so that we can understand".

The waitress leaned towards them and said....

Buuuurrrrgggerrrrrrr Kiiinnnnngggg

We don't have waiters in Burger King. Do you?

[poyks]

Aug 21, 2008 22:47:54 GMT 1 Relyt said:

We don't have waiters in Burger King. Do you?

Our official pedant of the week!! ;D

[Relyt]

What's a pedant?