Joke

[Pitbull]

Camilla & Charlie

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour ... . . But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'

[mrgrotey]

Cats are for life, not just for recycling.

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BBC News: Cat dumped in bin.
Dirty git, hasnt it heard of a litter tray?

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Mary Bale has wheelie bin horrible to that cat.

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I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sicko throws a wasp in a bin?

[richardburton]

There's something I need to tell you but it's really hard to say...


Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead.

[Lonesome Crow]

No more! No more! please have mercy. ;D

[richardburton]

Two men walking down a road see a blind dog shagging a cabbage. One bloke says to the other, "The poor thing must think it's a collie."

[richardburton]

Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?........FO DRIZZLE!!

[mrgrotey]

Ken came home from the pub late one night, pissed as a fart. He crawled into bed and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek and nodded off.

He woke up during the night, and saw a man standing at the end of his bed. ''Who the hell are you?'' he said. ''I am St Peter''.

Ken looked at him with worry and replied ''What, do you mean i've died? I can't die i'm to young, I haven't even said goodbye to my family''.

St Peter looked at him and said ''I will reincarnate you, but... only as a Dog or a Hen. Your choice.''
Ken thought to himself and decided to come back as a hen. With a flash of light he was covered in feathers and was standing next to a rooster.

''So your the new hen then'' he said. ''Yep'' replied Ken. ''So how are you finding it?'' asked the rooster.

''Well I have got a really sharp pain in my belly, what is that?''

''Your going to lay an egg, haven't you laid an egg before?'' the rooster said.

''No never'' replied Ken. Trooster looked at him and said ''Well just relax, breath and then push''.

Sure enough out poped an egg. Feeling quite chuffed Ken did it again and again, but on the fourth turn he felt a slap on the back of his head.

He woke up with a shock, with his wife shouting ''KEN GET UP YOU PISS HEAD YOU'RE SHITTING IN THE BED!!!''

[Lonesome Crow]

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog!

[Lonesome Crow]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation..

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?"

The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here? '

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great bighole in my owner's couch.'

'So what are they goi ng to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said. The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you in here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'

[Relyt]

Sarah Palin running for the Presidency.

(I have nothing against the fairer sex running for office.)

[Lonesome Crow]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be
drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way
then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his
face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a
look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his
bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the
room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Deleted]

Sept 2, 2010 21:24:38 GMT 1 Relyt said:

Sarah Palin running for the Presidency.

(I have nothing against the fairer sex running for office.)

;D Good one, Relyt.

[mrgrotey]

Paddy and Murphy are flying the 10.30 Aer Lingus flight from Heathrow to
Dublin. As they come in over the East Coast of Ireland … the following conversation
ensues…

"Sheeeezzz" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway
is".

"You’re not kiddin’, Paddy" replied Murphy.

"Dis is gonna be one a’ de trickiest landings you’re ever gonna see" said
Paddy.

"You’re not kiddin’, Paddy" replied Murphy.

"Right Murphy. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said
Paddy.

"Right, I’ll be doing dat" replied Murphy.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Right, I’ll be doing dat" replied Murphy.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy

"Right, I’ll be doing dat" replied Murphy.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a’ your soul" said Paddy

"I be doing dat already" replied Murphy.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Murphy full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Murphy put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Murphy and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window
and said to Murphy "Dat has gotta be de shortest bloomin’ runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Murphy looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how flippin’ wide it is".

[richardburton]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Lonesome Crow]

;D Both good-uns. ;D